Because of you
by Missing Linka
Summary: Miss Parker's thinking about her past, her Mum, Jarod ... songfic ... Please R&R!


**Because of you**

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did _

_I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery _

_I will not break the way you did _

_You fell so hard _

_I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far _

Her mother had been a wonderful person. And when Miss Parker had been a child she had hoped to be just like her when she grew to be an adult. But then her mother had died. And she had learned that her mother had made a lot of mistakes. She had trusted people. She had been unselfish. And that's why she had died. So Miss Parker had decided that she would never let her feelings get her into danger. She would never break again. The best way to protect herself from being hurt was to forget about her feelings. To just pretend that she had no such feelings like love. To ignore the fact that she needed to be loved.

She told herself that the only things she needed from time to time was a gentle word from her father and a good fuck by a good-looking guy whose name she would soon have forgotten.

_Because of you _

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk _

_Because of you _

_I learned to play on the safe side_

_So I don't get hurt _

_Because of you _

_I find it hard to trust _

_Not only me, but everyone around me _

_Because of you _

_I am afraid _

She had never dared to fall in love. She had never allowed herself to experience things her mother would have told her to be worthy of being experienced. Long ago, she had understood that it was easier and safer to have a routine. Even if this routine meant waking up, going to work, chasing Jarod, failing by doing so, driving home, drinking Scotch, falling asleep. It was safe. She knew what to expect from every day. It was a safe bet. What more was there to ask for? She couldn't get disappointed, she couldn't get hurt. She had to trust in no one, not even herself. It worked. She had her job, nothing to worry about. But sometimes, it scared her and she wished her life to be different. But she couldn't even trust her inner voice telling her that her life could become different if she just had the courage to look at herself and make a change. But then, was it worth not having to feel her heart break again?

_I lose my way _

_And it's not too long before you point it out _

_I cannot cry _

_Because I know that's weakness in your eyes _

_I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh_

_Every day of my life _

_My heart can't possibly break _

_When it wasn't even whole to start with _

And every time she saw Jarod, she felt like she would have to change her way of living. Every time, he called her she was nearly giving up her façade. Every time, she heard his voice, her walls came tumbling down a little bit more. But still, she couldn't forget that she was supposed to be the Ice Queen. That it was all that protected her. And so she forced herself to maintain this façade. And one day, she noticed that she was no longer able to cry. That her heart really felt like a heart of stone. That no feeling, not even negative ones felt real. Everything was just faked: The smile she gave her father when he praised her. The coldness with which she greeted Broots when he told her he had another lead on Jarod. She wondered if her feelings had ever felt real or if she always had been so cold.

Yeah, right, she was the Ice Queen.

_I watched you die _

_I heard you cry_

_Every night in your sleep _

_I was so young _

_You should have known better than to lean on me _

_You never thought of anyone else _

_You just saw your pain _

_And now I cry _

_In the middle of the night _

_For the same damn thing_

She had been at the Centre when her mother had died in the elevator. Or better said, the day she had thought her mother had died.

The month before this fateful day, her mother had changed. She had tried to be brave. She really had tried. But Miss Parker had heard her crying in the middle of the night when her father had still worked at the Centre. One night, she had come to her mother's bedroom. She had asked her about the reason for her tears. If she had done anything wrong. Her mother had told her that everything would be fine. That she was proud of her little daughter to be so sensitive. Her mother had already known that she would have to leave her daughter. So it had been lies she had told her. Nothing had ever become fine. Her mother had been in love with her father, a man she couldn't have because the only thing that mattered for him was the Centre.

And now? Miss Parker cried for the same reason: The only man she had ever wanted to have was Jarod, a man she couldn't have because she believed that the only thing that mattered for him was his freedom.

_Because of you _

_I never stray too far from the sidewalk _

_Because of you _

_I learned to play on the safe side _

_So I don't get hurt _

_Because of you _

_I tried my hardest just to forget everything _

_Because of you _

_I don't know how to let anyone else in _

_Because of you _

_I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty _

_Because of you _

_I am afraid_

She had seen how much love had hurt her mother. And she had tried to not get hurt. But she had failed. And now she had nothing. Her life was empty without him.

Why hadn't she just told Jarod on Carthis that she had been afraid?

_Because of you_

_Because of you_

She cursed herself for it …

**THE END**


End file.
